Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Baseball + Coma + 10 Years Later

MLB Pictures, Images and Photos

What better way to end the 2008 major league regular season than with a hypothetical involving the national pastime and a good ol' fashion decade long coma? My purpose here is to highlight the absurity of the last decade in professional baseball by means of explaining the last 10 years of baseball to someone who has just woke from a coma:

On the morning of March 31st, 1998, John Tucker opened his eyes to an overcast Seattle morning sky. John, a 53 year old a successful banker, awoke to the sound of his alarm at 5:45 a.m. John found his way to the kitchen, poured a cup of dark roast folgers and read the Seattle-Times business section. John was in no rush to get to the office that day, for he had plans. Two tickets to the Kingdome, opening day for his beloved Mariners, lay upon the kitchen table. John would attend opening day just as he had done every year for the last 20 years. John showered then dressed, ready to see the Mariners battle the Cleveland Indians. Turning the key in the ignition of his Lincoln Town Car, the sun began to spill in through the clouds. Signaling left and merging onto the 5 highway, John never saw it coming. At that moment, his life would be changed forever. John lay unconscience in the middle of a four car pile-up. By the time rescue workers reached John, very little hope was left for his survival. John was admitted to the ICU and never woke up. John's family was informed that he had slipped into a coma and that no timetable could be given for his emergence.

August 22nd, 2008, Mrs. Joanne Tucker receives a call she had nearly given up on. Dr. Billingsley could only say one thing: "I can't believe it, but, he's awake". The following weeks were spent filling in the gaps, explaining the last ten years to John. Bill Clinton is no longer the president, gas is no longer 98 cents a gallon, we're in another war in Iraq, etc. John then reached into a box of possessions from the day of the accident, hoping to stir his memory, and stumbled upon his Mariners tickets. "Who won?" asked John, but no one knew the answer. Hours later, John's son arrived on a flight from Philadelphia. After hours of catching up, the talk turned to baseball. John and his son had shared a love for the sport (though his son was a Yankees fan) and he knew if anyone would remember the winner of that game, it would be his son Daniel. "10 to 9 dad...the Mariners lost" said Daniel. Which sparked John's next question: "what else has happened in baseball...fill me in"

Daniel went on, attempting to explain the noteworthy moments of the last 10 years in baseball:


Roger Maris HR record has been beaten 3 times
Boston Red Sox have won 2 World Series
Barry Bonds has 762 HR's
Roger Clemens and many others were questioned on whether or not they took steroids
A-Rod has 550 HR's, was on the Texas Rangers for $252 million and is now on the Yankees
Kirby Puckett is dead
Ken Griffey Jr. was on the Reds, he is now on the White Sox and has 600+ HR's
Florida Marlins won another World Series in 2003
Joe Torre is the Los Angeles Dodgers manager
Frank Thomas is on the Oakland A's (for the second time)
Tampa Bay Devil Rays are now the "Rays" and are in 1st place in the AL East
Yankees stadium is being torn down
Prince Fielder, son of Cecil Fielder, plays for the Brewers and is a vegetarian
Chixago Cubs were 5 outs from World Series and blew it
Greg Maddux was traded to the Cubs then the Dodgers then the Padres and back to the Dodgers
Arizona Diamondbacks beat the Yankees in 7 games in the 2001 World Series
Randy Johnson was traded to Diamondbacks then the Yankees and back to the Diamondbacks
Detroit Tigers were in the World Series in 2006
The Expos are now the Washington Nationals
The 2001 Mariners won 116 games and didn't make it to the World Series
The Anaheim Angels won the world series in 2002
Sammy Sosa was on the Orioles...

the conversation went deep into the night, attempting to explain all that had happened in the major leagues during time that John was in his coma. "Wow" said John, "after all that, I feel like I need to rest".

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